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How To Look Awesome

If you want to look awesome like I do, then follow these simple rules.

Do something about losing your hair.
If you're losing your hair, then do 1 of 3 things:
  • Shave your head.  Or at least crop your hair short.
  • Take hair meds like Propecia.
  • Get a hair transplant.  And go to a good place.  Don't go to a place that's gonna make your head look like a pasta strainer.
For God's sake, please don't sport the bar-code comb-over look.  That's NOT awesome, and you're not foolin' anybody.

Lose weight.

If you're American, there's a 34% chance you're over-weight.  Stop eating so much and get some exercise, fatty.  A slim, healthy body is way more awesome than a pudgy, nasty one.

Stand up straight.
Your mother was right in telling you not to slouch.  The hunchback look is unbecoming for those seeking a state of total awesome-osity.

Befriend gay guys.
I was lucky enough to have gay friends starting in high school.  No one understands the art of looking awesome like gay guys do.  Women adore them because they're non-threatening and always look awesome.  I highly recommend befriending gay guys because the advice and assistance they will give you in looking and becoming awesome will be invaluable.  They'll also invariably introduce you to cute single female friends that they have absolutely no interest in.

Get rid of the ape-like body hair.
A key life-changing tip learned from gay friends to maintain awesome-ness was to simply shave my body hair.  I dubbed this process "de-monkey-fying."  Patches of unsightly chest and back hair greatly detract from one's awesome-ness, so get rid of it.

Smile a lot.
Smiling looks awesome because it makes other people feel awesome.  Spread the awesome-ness by smiling a lot.  You're guaranteed to attract other awesome people to you.

Drink lots of water.
You expend a ton of water by looking awesome.  Refill the gas tanks often with plenty of H2O.

Hygiene goes a long way.
This may sound obvious, but simple hygiene like taking showers, doing laundry, shaving, and brushing & flossing your teeth makes a huge difference in how awesome you appear to others.  A clean mouth and clean body wearing clean clothes is not all that hard to achieve and will strategically advance you beyond those who consistently fail to sustain basic hygiene levels.  If you're like me and often find yourself too busy and/or awesome to execute time-consuming hygiene endeavors, then a daily hose-down with Febreze will be a welcome God-send.

Quit smoking.
No amount of Febreze will cover-up the foul putrescence of rotten tobacco smoke dander.  And habitually inhaling carcinogens will eventually plague you with a trache-ring and cancerous death--not to mention piss off those around you forced to breathe your wreaking smoky run-off.  This is NOT awesome.   Smoking is a nasty habit, and those that do it should be publicly executed for the sake of the world's total awesome-osity.  Quit now--or face public beheading.

Walk fast.
When you see someone walking fast, you naturally think, "Now that's an important person!"  Exactly.  This is why you should walk extremely fast at all times.  You look super important, and that's awesome.

Speak eloquently.
Speak in a way that transcends normal conversation.  Others will be so mesmerized by your eloquent speech they will undoubtedly think you pure awesome.  How does one accomplish eloquent speech?  Simple.  Read a bunch of famous novels written in the 1800s and speak exactly like the main characters.  For example, I'm currently reading The Count of Monte Cristo.  The count's words are like warm butter rolling off freshly-microwaved popcorn.  80% of his words I have to look up in the dictionary.  Now that's awesome.  Talk like that and you will achieve unearthly awesome-ness.

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