If you want to look awesome like I
do, then follow these simple rules.
Do something about losing your hair.
If you're losing your hair, then do 1 of 3 things:
Shave your head. Or at least crop your hair short.
Take hair meds like Propecia.
Get a hair transplant. And go to a good place. Don't
go to a place that's gonna make your head look like a pasta strainer.
For God's sake, please don't sport the bar-code comb-over look.
That's NOT awesome, and you're not foolin' anybody.
Lose weight.
If you're American, there's a 34% chance you're over-weight. Stop
eating so much and get some exercise, fatty. A slim, healthy body
is way more awesome than a pudgy, nasty one.
Stand up straight.
Your mother was right in telling you not to slouch. The hunchback
look is
In high school you've got jocks, geeks, stoners, prom queens, fat kids,
and so on and so forth. The working world is no different.
You've got "Chads" (the good-looking hot shots that always get their
way), geeks (IT dept.), lazy overweight managers (the fat kids grown
up), office queens (the hotties everyone wants to bang), pranksters,
gossips, and so on and so forth.
What am I, you ask?
Why, I'm the Office Farter. It's a pleasure to meet you.
I remember from high school history class that a key advantage we
Americans had over the British during the American Revolution was that
the British simply didn't know who to shoot. The American rebels
all looked like farmers, and farmers looked like nonthreatening
civilians. The British forces, on the other hand, were clad in
bright red wool uniforms (“The Red Coats”), making it blatantly obvious
that they were the bad guys. They might as well have been wearing
red and white target circles on their chests with sandwich-board signs
proudly declaring, “We're the bad guys! Shoot at us!”
I'm far from being a shopaholic, but I definitely have a weak spot for
electronic toys. I've made quite a number of dumb purchases in my
life (most often electronics), but these particular ones reverberate in
my wistful memories. Thank God for Ebay!
The Cotton Candy Machine
I once beheld a home cotton candy machine for sale in a catalog
specializing mostly in useless, single-purpose home appliances. I
just had to have it. This purchase would change my entire
life--friends would flock to my lively cotton candy parties, and
princess-like model-esque girls would swoon at the sugary goodness
served by yours truly.
My ultimate goal was to put my arm into the machine and encase it in
cotton candy. Unknown at the time was the
