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The Kyoto Poopie Incident

I have a story for you, and it's quite disgusting really.  But this is me you're talking to, so that's what you get.

Anyways, I'll get to the point.

I went on an all-day road trip to visit the ninja villages in Japan.  It was 4 of us: me, Susumu, Shinobu, and Yoko.  Anyways, we stopped to eat in Kyoto on the way back to Tottori.  We had this epic feast mostly consisting of tofu dishes.  They served tonyu, which is this milky, heavy type of tofu.  It's like a dessert.  This was my first time eating it.

Well, it didn't sit too well on my stomach, and I actually got a mild case of the shits right there in the restaurant.  I went to the bathroom, and took care of it.  Problem solved, right?

Wrong!  During the 3 hour drive back to Tottori, the shit attack returned in a big fuckin' way.  My intestines grumbled in protest as I tried to hold back the Noah's Arkian flood of liquefied shit that wanted to exit immediately.

I held it as long as mortally possible, then as calmly as I could, I said, "Susumu..."  He then said, "Toilet?"  Like he knew.  Maybe he heard the intestinal grumblings or saw me sweating, clenching my fists, clawing the car window, and gritting my teeth.  Anyways, he parked at a rest area, and we all went to the restroom.

The place was clean and empty; but, Susumu also went in for a piss.  I jammed to the stall.  Damn.  All of them were Japanese style-basically a rectangular hole you gotta squat over.

Well, I took a deep breath, and said to myself, "Alright Dave, this is where it's gonna happen."

Given my squatting position, it all exited at once, and I immediately flushed hoping and praying that Susumu didn't hear the horrific gastrointestinal abominations reverberating off those restroom walls.  It was a massive relief, so I didn't really give a fuck.

Now let me digress for a moment here.  I don't consider myself a religious man, but there are moments in all of our lives when we truly see the face of God.  It could be when you hold hands with your true love.  Or when you look into the eyes of your firstborn child.  For me, it was at this moment that I literally saw the face of God.  I experienced all the majesty that his glorious kingdom in heaven has to offer.  In fact, I'm appealing to the Catholic Church to get my experience recognized as an official Holy Day of obligation.

Well, it took me a while to get myself back together, so they were all waiting for me outside the restroom.  Did Susumu tell Yoko and Shinobu about what he just heard?  There was a kind of awkward silence as I met back up with them.  I wondered what they were thinking.  Like "Dear God, what did he DO in there?"  "Is it gonna happen again in the car?"

This brings me to another interesting digression.  In Japanese culture there is this concept of honne and tatemae.  Honne means "true feeling" while tatemae means "surface."  Life is a choice between the two; however, usually it is most important to mask your true feelings from others-especially those you don't know all that well.  Smile regardless of how you feel inside.  I considered this moment a textbook example of tatemae.  Damn I wish I could read minds.  That would be sweet.

We got back in the car.  Silence.  Finally Susumu re-sparked a conversation.  There was no mention of what transpired back there.  The rest of the trip went fine with no incident.

Oh, but one interesting side note.  When I finally got home, I noticed a nasty skid mark in my underwear.  I threw it away without a hint of hesitation.
I must say that was without a doubt the most horrendous shitting experience of my entire life.  Neither I nor my bowels will ever forget it.

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