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How To Look Awesome

If you want to look awesome like I do, then follow these simple rules.

Do something about losing your hair.
If you're losing your hair, then do 1 of 3 things:
  • Shave your head.  Or at least crop your hair short.
  • Take hair meds like Propecia.
  • Get a hair transplant.  And go to a good place.  Don't go to a place that's gonna make your head look like a pasta strainer.
For God's sake, please don't sport the bar-code comb-over look.  That's NOT awesome, and you're not foolin' anybody.

Lose weight.

If you're American, there's a 34% chance you're over-weight.  Stop eating so much and get some exercise, fatty.  A slim, healthy body is way more awesome than a pudgy, nasty one.

Stand up straight.
Your mother was right in telling you not to slouch.  The hunchback look is

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I am the Office Farter

In high school you've got jocks, geeks, stoners, prom queens, fat kids, and so on and so forth.  The working world is no different.  You've got "Chads" (the good-looking hot shots that always get their way), geeks (IT dept.), lazy overweight managers (the fat kids grown up), office queens (the hotties everyone wants to bang), pranksters, gossips, and so on and so forth.

What am I, you ask?

Why, I'm the Office Farter.  It's a pleasure to meet you.

My body (more specifically, my ass) has the unfortunate characteristic of spewing gas every minute of every day of my existence.  I think my ass has an extra set of lungs and/or a rocket propulsion system.  As 8~9 hours of my day are spent at work, this adds up to a significant volatile volume.  Over the years I've gotten quite good at soundless issuance.  I have over a 98% silent emission system.

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We're The Red Coats

I remember from high school history class that a key advantage we Americans had over the British during the American Revolution was that the British simply didn't know who to shoot.  The American rebels all looked like farmers, and farmers looked like nonthreatening civilians.  The British forces, on the other hand, were clad in bright red wool uniforms (“The Red Coats”), making it blatantly obvious that they were the bad guys.  They might as well have been wearing red and white target circles on their chests with sandwich-board signs proudly declaring, “We're the bad guys!  Shoot at us!”

My country hasn't really

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Stupid But Fun Purchases

I'm far from being a shopaholic, but I definitely have a weak spot for electronic toys.  I've made quite a number of dumb purchases in my life (most often electronics), but these particular ones reverberate in my wistful memories.  Thank God for Ebay!

The Cotton Candy Machine
I once beheld a home cotton candy machine for sale in a catalog specializing mostly in useless, single-purpose home appliances.  I just had to have it.  This purchase would change my entire life--friends would flock to my lively cotton candy parties, and princess-like model-esque girls would swoon at the sugary goodness served by yours truly.

My ultimate goal was to put my arm into the machine and encase it in cotton candy.  Unknown at the time was the

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I Was A Freak

I went through a really weird phase my first year of college.  Maybe it was the unchecked freedom granted after high school graduation, or an overdeveloped need to assert my individuality, or the weed I was smoking--but in short I became a freak.  I still am a freak to this day, but 1995-1996 was on a totally different level of freakishness.

The Pekkle Pager Case
Like I said I just had to be different.  I still had a pager while most were already converting to cell phones.  My pager was encased in a bright blue nylon Sanrio "Pekkle" pager case [Pekkle was Sanrio's duck character counterpart to Hello Kitty].  It was quite an odd sight for an 18 year-old guy.  I think those that saw it (including my family) questioned my sexual orientation.

Facial Hair
Like every boy in 1995, I tried to grow a goatee.  But in my case I didn't quite have the hormones for it.  The beyond-platinum blond hair above my upper lip refused to

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Laid Off

Summer 2009--I was laid off.  We were told as a group on a Tuesday that management had decided to outsource IT services and that our last working day would be Friday.  3 of the SA team would go, and only 1 would stay.  I had seen this coming, so I wasn't all that shocked.  I appreciated being told a few days beforehand and further appreciated the included severance package.  Previous layoff "victims" had been told on their last day, so they had only a few hours to pack up their stuff and leave.  At least I received better treatment than that.

It was reiterated that it wasn't my fault.  The company's most important client had been Lehman Brothers, whose portfolios had been responsible for a significant amount of my former company's revenue stream.  Called the "Lehman Shock" in Japan, its shock wave had a somewhat delayed, yet disastrous impact on affiliated companies that were servicing Lehman's assets.  The assets were auctioned off, and the purchasers understandably chose to use their own in-house financial services if they had them.

During the year after Lehman's fall, my company saw a notable weight of its business literally slip through its fingers.  Various cost-saving measures were enacted, along with a voluntary resignation program; however, it wasn't enough to bypass eventual involuntary layoffs.  Despite a major step-up in marketing efforts, the gaping hole in core business was not close to filled.  Hindsight is indeed 20/20, and in hindsight it was not a good idea to base a company on a single client.

A few things about the layoff did irk me significantly:

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